knock knock. umm, hello?

how to start this again? i mean, express my feelings into words. wait, does my grammar correct? hoho whatever then, i'll mix it with bahasa supaya ketika merasa ada kalimat yang ragu, bisa terselamatkan. or maybe, some words are better written in English sih lebih tepatnya. so yeah, saya jadi agak kagok lagi untuk nulis panjang lebar di blog, karena biasanya masih suka meracau di Twitter yang karakternya lebih sedikit.

sebelumnya, saya udah pernah cerita tentang life in general selain love life ga ya? well yes, kali ini lagi ingin sharing tentang hidup, mungkin mengeluh? haha ya actually saya paling benci mengeluh, but this time i admit again that i can't hold it anymore, and write down the pain is one of the best cure.

so this is how the story goes with only two words; messed up.

i can't help but startled to see how mess my life is this year. literally from the beginning of this year, 2017. it's almost July dan masih sekacau ini. everytime i look back, i only see mistakes, mistakes, and mistakes. nothing is right till this day. terburu-buru mengambil keputusan, lalu salah. penuh pertimbangan, tetap salah. i did everything just to make people happy, but i forgot that "when you try to please anyone, you'll please none", even myself. dan kesalahan yang terakhir saya buat pun, karena saya mengubah mindset tersebut menjadi please myself first, tapi rasanya malah lebih sakit lagi because i hurt people.

all this time i love poeple more than i love myself. the only thing i do to love my own self is me time. and it's a mistake. but if i put myself above others, it's a mistake too. right?

i keep walking and i keep making mistakes. i keep trying and i can't stop crying. this head is ready to explode, don't know if the stress-meter almost reach its max, but i know i will easily cry when i feel so desperate. maybe, i am.

i changed a lot and i don't even recognize myself. i can't believe myself, as well.

i wanna bury myself.

can i take some sleeping pills,

and just disappear?